there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
