bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
