How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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