Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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