You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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