my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
