I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
