yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
