C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
