Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
