is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
