Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
