I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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