Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
