Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
