who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
