doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
