dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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