Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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