On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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