So drunk its hurt
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
time to smoke my breakfast
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
