it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
