why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
