I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
