I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
