but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
