I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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