i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
