So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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