Only a mothe r could love this liver
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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