Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
