I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
