ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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