so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
