My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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