I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
