I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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