No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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