i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish there were birth control emojis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.