The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.