what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I need a beard to bite.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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