Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He shit in the fireplace
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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