I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
