Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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