cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
