Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
