The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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