A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How does one acquire holy water?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
