so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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