My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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