i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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