He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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