I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
