He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
