there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
