My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
