So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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