Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
