i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
